She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
