I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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