Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If I die, sorry about rent.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
