Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
