don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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