you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
