I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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