Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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