I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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