Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize