I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
