Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
