My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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