i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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