Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
