My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
