You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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