I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
