life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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