One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
