Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
