Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
