I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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