I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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