My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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