I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
