I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was confusing and full of hummus
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
