nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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