i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
he fucked my hip out of place.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
