I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
