I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
