I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize