even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
