Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
