I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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