I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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