I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
