yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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