I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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