why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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