Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize