I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
