as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
