He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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