if you like me you must not know who I am
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
