I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
