Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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