i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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