im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
