hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize