That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
