Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize