Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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