Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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