someone get that fucking seahorse.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
