I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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