Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
